No Homo
by the corrupted quiet one
Summary: It's rainy. The TV doesn't work. Stan's drunk. Kenny's horny. Things happen. But in the end they're just bros, seriously no homo! Stenny bro/blow job!


The thunder roared outside the house, flashes of lightning lighting the night. Inside, Kenny and Stan stared blankly at the polar bear in a snowstorm on the television screen.

Randy was out, meaning that Stan could do whatever the hell he wanted with the house. He called Kenny, got out the beer, turned on the Broncos game, and then _BAM!_

Cable connection gone with a crackle of Mother Nature's fury.

That left the duo to sit on the couch staring at the static, a sea of empty beer cans and potato chip bags littered about the carpet, absolutely nothing better to do.

"So..." Kenny said, shaking his nearly empty can to keep entertained.

"So..." Stan blinked, hoping that the static would switch to something. Hell, Paula's Home Cooking sounded better by the minute. And far more buttertastic than fucking static.

"...How's it going...?" Kenny's eyes flickered over to the ebon at his side, hoping for a little small talk. They were best friends, talking should be enough to keep them busy. _Or maybe that only works in chick world..._

"Shitty," Stan replied, sticking out his tongue. Everything's been shit since he was ten years old. Of course when something not shitty comes along something shitty happens. _Of course_.

"You're just a pocket full of sunshine today, Stanny," The blond rolled his eyes, leaning back on the couch.

"Well it's raining like hell outside," Stan muttered.

"No shit, Sherlock," He took another sip of Miller, "Why don't ya tell me about your life more. This time without using the word shit."

"But it is shit," Stan grumbled, carelessly tossing his empty can into a pile of others with a clatter. He let out a sigh, lying back on the couch, crossing his arms and glaring at the screen.

"Someone's a pissy lil' drunk," Kenny snorted.

"I'm not pissy and I'm not drunk!" Stan protested, shaking his head. He groaned, feeling his brain shake around in his head. "I'm just a little buzzed..." He added.

"Oooh, sorry," Kenny said, "I wouldn't want to confuse a little drunk with really drunk." His head bobbed from side to side, hinting that he was a bit tipsy himself.

"You're sober as me, shithead," Stan remarked.

"So? We're two drunk bros kickin' in a house alone! What's not awesome about that?"

"The fact that there's nothing to fucking do."

"Well..." Kenny's thoughts wandered, "What would Brain Boitano do?"

"...Are you being serious...?" _Then again Kenny, drunk, and serious are three words that shouldn't be used in the same sentence..._

"I'm just thinkin', Stanny," A smirk slowly curled on his face, an odd gleam glowing in his sapphire eyes. No one was home. They were both a little on the tipsy side. There wasn't anything better to do. Maybe a little '_experimentation_' was in order.

The thought made him chuckle.

"Kenny..." Even when a little out of it, Stan knew that smirk. That smirk meant dirty thoughts were crossing Kenny's mind. And Stan didn't exactly want to find out what they were.

"How's you and Wendy?" The blond asked, still smiling.

_I'll ease him into it...that'll work..._

"Kinda shitty...now what the hell are you thinking?" Stan didn't like games, especially since Kenny had a knack for making people run around in circles without even trying. Grades never gave that screwy brain of his justice.

"Even in the pants area?" Kenny glanced at Stan, an eyebrow raised.

"Well..." Stan's mouth hung open. It was true that Wendy had been..._lacking_. He hated to admit it, but the habitual let down of a blow job or a quickie was bringing him closer to calling it quits. Then again, masturbation didn't please the needs much better these days. The shit just had to spread to Stan's sexual life.

"Don't tell me those pretty little lips of hers ain't doin' it for ya," He mused, flicking his tongue lick his lips, "I thought ya told me a while back she was good at it."

"She was..." The ebon muttered, "She just...never got any better..."

"Wendy ain't a whore, Stan; she can't get better when she doesn't constantly test things out."

"Shut up."

"How often did she suck ya? Be honest. Monthly, weekly, daily, every six hours?"

"Dude, I'm not a sex addict like you!" Stan's azure gaze shifted down to his feet, "...Maybe once or twice a week...if she had time..."

"Damn, I never thought she was such a little cocksucker," The blond chuckled, "What's it made of? Candy?"

"_SHUT UP_!" Maybe watching static _was _better than dick talk.

"_Candy cock, candy cock, Stanny's got a candy cock!_" He chanted, leaning towards the other. Stan's nose wrinkled at the alcohol on his breath, "_Stanny's got a candy cock, can I get a lick?_"

"Kenny, I swear if you don't shut up-" He turned his head, only for Kenny to smash his mouth to his.

Stan and Kenny always were close; but this was _definitely _crossing into new territory. They regarded each other as brothers. And brothers _don't_ lock lips.

As soon as their lips touched Stan tried pushing Kenny off. He'd done some pretty dumb things when he was drunk, but kissing one of his best friends wasn't about to be one of them.

"Get off me, butt pirate!" He yelled, backing away. He elbowed the blond in the stomach, wanting to ward him off before things got _really gay._

"Whaaaaaaaaat?" Kenny whined with a pout, "Can't I try to suck on your lollipop?"

"That is the gayest thing that's come out of your mouth since you were ogling Kyle's ass last week," Stan deadpanned.

"We're all a little gay, Stanny," He winked, "Just release your inner homo."

"_You're wasted_."

"No, I'm _horny,_ there's a difference."

"Horny and wasted, what a fucking combo."

"Stop being such a tight ass. You're worse than Kyle sometimes!"

"Lucky I haven't hit you yet!"

"Oh, stop getting me caught in abusive relationships and give it a shot!"

"Stop it!" With one strong shove, Kenny rolled off Stan, sitting back on his side of the couch. He tilted his head, giving Stan one of his infamous sad puppy looks. For some reason, Kenny could control _anyone_ with it.

_Because he acts like he's fucking four... _Stan thought bitterly, pointedly looking at his shoes. Still, the image of those drunken yet persuasive blue eyes remained engraved in his head, taunting him. It wasn't even that stupid 'McCormick charm' he always went on about, it was just Kenny acting like a sad little boy deprived of that one thing all the other kids had.

Stan still had trouble intertwining his penis into this.

"_Stannyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..._" Kenny moaned, sounding more like an upset cat than a person. The magic of booze.

He cringed, pretending the blond wasn't there. Considering the amount of noise he was making, that was a pretty tricky task.

_Goddammit...Fuck everything...Why did I think letting him near beer was a good fucking idea..._

_BRUUUUUBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLE!_

_Fucking storm...We'd be watching the Broncos instead of this...Fuck all of this shit..._

_"!"_

_Shit...Do I really have to...?_

Come to think of it, he hadn't exactly gotten any recently. No one was there so, really, they didn't have to tell anybody about this. Hell, Kenny sounded like he'd wake up with a hangover and no memory of the whole thing. Plus he did have a record for knowledge in the art of felatio; how he got that record Stan didn't care to know.

_"STAAAAAAAAAAAANNYYYYYYYYYYYY!"_ Kenny pawed at Stan's arm.

_Jesus Christ..._

It looked less like a choice and more like an ultimatum. Get sucked or suffer. _Joy_.

_Well...No one'll know...and he's good apparently...the fuck am I doing...?_

He let out a sigh.

"Go for it," Stan said, slumping in his spot.

"Huh?" Kenny blinked, expecting at least another hour of pointless begging before passing out rather than a green light. Stan was too straight for his own good.

"You heard me, gaywad," He said, pinching his nose and gesturing to his pants. The regretful words balanced on his tongue before he finally muttered, "_Suck my damn cock.._."

In just a few seconds Kenny's pout turned into an overly thrilled beam, eyes sparkling. Drunk or sober, his sex drive always prevailed. Alcohol just made him giddier and blurred the lines more.

He rolled off the couch, crawling on the carpet to Stan's legs. He spread them apart, sitting down at Stan's feet. He licked his lips, eyeing up the natural bulge in Stan's jeans. From what he'd heard, Stan's length certainly _wasn't _lacking. And although he tried to keep dirty thoughts away from his friends, he'd had one or two fantasies with situations like this. And now he was finally going to make it a drunken reality.

"Ya want it normal, or a hummer, or what?" The blond asked, walking his fingers up the ebon's thigh, hiking towards the zipper.

"Dude I don't care," A few ideas of how he'd gotten his cock-sucking reputation popped into his mind, "Just...suck..."

"Fine, I'll do whatever I want," He rolled his eyes, reaching for the zipper. He yanked it down, also undoing the button. Stan shifted, letting Kenny slid the front of pants and boxers down, exposing his cock. Kenny licked his lips._ Longer than I thought..._

Stan glanced at the blond, then pinched his nose harder, massaging the skin. _I still can't believe I'm doing this..._

"Ya know Stanny, it's a good thing ya ain't gay," Kenny muttered, alcohol speaking for him, leaning in towards the head, "Or you'd have a line going out the door wantin' to suck ya."

"I don't need to know that..." Stan murmured, shutting his eyes as the thunder roared outside. _Just let it be over..._

"Just saying," Kenny formed and 'O' with his lips, softly blowing on the tip.

The gentle burst of air sent tingles through him, tickling the sensitive skin. A little quivering moan trembled in Stan's throat.

A grin teased the corners of Kenny's lips, but he maintained his mouthing, sticking out his tongue.

The somewhat alarming thought that Kenny's tongue could've been anywhere crossed Stan's mind, but the slimy tip pressed against the head before he could let out a protest.

He shivered, pleasure racing through his veins as the blond licked around the head, warming up. Although he didn't want to enjoy it-he only agreed to get Kenny to shut up-but it felt _so good_.

With the pleasure pumped the hormones, body telling him to rise and harden, stand tall and ready for the tongue flicking and licking the tender skin. A few soft moans slipped out Stan's lips, eyes squeezing tighter. His muscles, by instinct, drifted to Kenny's mess of blond hair, tempted to lace his fingers in the locks.

Kenny backed off as the member rose, stealing a few licks at the length as it grew. Even while intoxicated Kenny knew his way around down low. He licked up the shaft, prompting even more groans from the ebon.

Up, up, up to the tip, he went. His tongue slithered back into his mouth, lips hovering just above the head. Kenny breathed down on it, manipulating the air to do his pleasurable bidding.

He looked up at Stan from beneath his lashes, noting the deep rouge tinge to his face. The boy'd yet to grab a hold of Kenny's head and force him down, but, from the looks of it, he was pretty close to doing it. Stan kept biting his lip, teeth digging down when he felt a moan, then easing up when the sound escaped.

Oh no, that wouldn't do.

_He's gotta be loud dammit..._

Then, he dove down, taking Stan in his mouth and sucking.

"_Shit_..." Stan gasped, grasping a clump of Kenny's hair, pelvis arching to give Kenny the advantage. His temperature sky-rocketed, pleasure level spiking as Kenny's tongue swirled around the skin. His grip tightened, pushing Kenny's head lower, a few more moans of enjoyment escaping his throat, drowning out the steady beat of the rain outside.

Kenny happily went lower, humming as he did. Hummers always gave him bonus points.

The vibrations drove Stan crazier, mind turning hazy from the combined sexual excitement and lagging buzz from the Miller. For a rainy Sunday night, things weren't ending so badly. Hell, maybe the hummer was worth missing out on the stupid football game. He hadn't gotten anything like this for a longer time than he'd like.

"K-Kenny..." He muttered, teeth cutting into his lip, "Shit..."

_There we go..._

Kenny forced himself down as much as he could, thanking the lord that his gag reflex learned to cope with his recent oral ventures. He kept an even hum, squeezing his eyes as he adjusted to the cock down his throat. Most girls he knew had trouble with it, but Kenny never minded. Oral was oral, sex was sex; pleasure came at a price whether it was a few bucks or a little gagging later in the week.

Stan tugged on Kenny's hair, yanking at a few of the roots. All resistance fluttered away, letting him fully enjoy the building pressure inside him, mind lazing in a cloud of bliss. His head lolled back, eyes opening, dizzily watching the ceiling fan slowly turn round and round. His bite relaxed, letting his lips curve into a smile as the combined tongue-hum-suck force sent whirls of happiness through him.

His mind might have been loosely wandering somewhere else, but every muscle in his body tensed, nearing the point of release.

Kenny picked up on this, knowing it all too well. Rather than having to wake up in the morning with the delightful taste of spooge in his mouth, he pulled back, preferring not to swallow. He fought the hands restricting him from breaking free, eventually winning as the climax neared.

"Fuck...Ken..." He puffed, feeling the lips move back up the length.

Soon all he felt on his member were Kenny's huffing pants, the blond trying to breathe again after the deep-throating. That ended up tipping him over the edge.

"Shit..." Stan groaned, all the pressure lifting as he released.

A stream of white flowed out, dripping on the couch cushions, the carpet, and the panting boy's face. Kenny wasn't quick enough to get out of the way, but he didn't care. He was out of it, but the cool white refreshed him. Regret could come later-if it came at all-but for now, a little cum on the face didn't hurt him.

Kenny lay back, avoiding the coffee table as he lay on the ground, rattling the empty cans and crunching the crumbled up bags. He wiped off some of the white with the sleeve off his jacket, just wanting the sticky stuff off him before he woke up with dried cum glued to his face.

"Damn..." Kenny muttered, gazing up at the fan, "Now that's how to spend a Sunday..."

"Yeah..." Stan whispered, savouring the afterglow a few more moments. He blinked, dropping back down to earth, common sense screaming at him to zip his pants up.

"Mmmmm..." The blond stretched, disturbing more of the snacking debris, "Ya know, if we were gay, we'd make pretty cool homos..."

"Dude, shut up," He said, buttoning his jeans, "You're wasted."

"You ain't," He pointed out, "Ya said ya were just a lil' buzzed...so why'd ya let me suck ya?"

"So you'd shut the hell up!" Stan rolled his eyes.

"Well did I do a good job?" Kenny let out a few more chuckles, knowing well that he did a _very _good job.

Stan hesitated, cheeks reheating at the remembrance of the pleasure, "...Decent."

"Pfft, no wonder Wendy's boring ya, you're so difficult."

"Yeah...we're not telling her...right?"

"Stanny, are you nuts or just suddenly coming out of the closet? I was just doing us both a favour."

"By giving me a blow job...?"

"_Bro _job," Kenny corrected him, raising a hand, "I had my needs, you had yours. They're nice and satisfied now, unless ya want it up the ass but frankly I'm too lazy for that."

"So...we're not talking about this ever again?" Stan asked, raising a brow.

"Dude, stop being weird about it. I know you're too straight to function in an ex-pur-y-mentin' en-viro-ment, but chill the fuck out," He lifted his head, staring into Stan's azure eyes, "No homo."

"No homo?" Stan repeated.

"No homo?" Kenny motioned for Stan to repeat it, telling him it was the only way to seal the deal.

"...No homo." He said.

"Gooooooooood," Kenny nodded, collapsing back in the cans and bags, "Night, bro."

"Night..." Stan glanced at the window, noticing the storm calming down. The clouds cleared, lightning ceasing. Stars twinkled through the puffs, a steady drizzle still sprinkling the earth. For a minute, things didn't seem like total shit. They actually seemed...kinda nice.

_BRVVVVVVVB! BRVVVVVVVVVVB! BRVVVVVVVVVVB!_

The cell phone on the coffee table vibrated, bouncing atop the papers it sat on.

Stan stood up, carefully stepping over Kenny as he checked who it was.

According to caller ID, Kyle decided to call for a chat. _What timing_.

He scooped up the phone, flipping the lid and putting it to his ear.

"Hey, Kyle,"

"Hi Stan," Kyle said on the other end, a cybernetic edge to his voice.

"What's up? How's the trip to Canada?"

"Boring, as usual. If Mom and Dad trusted me, maybe I wouldn't have to go to any more of Ike's stupid ceremonies _he_ doesn't even like going to."

"Well not much went on here either..." Stan bit his lip, hoping Kyle couldn't use his best friend powers and call Stan out on the lie over the phone.

"I thought you and Kenny were going to see the Broncos game on TV," Kyle didn't pick up on it. _Yet_...

"Oh, well, it rained. Dad's cable sucks. No game for us." That much was true.

"Oh...that sucks. Did you two just sit around all night, then?"

"Well...y-yeah...pretty much..."

"...Stan?"

"Yeah?"

"Is there something you're not saying or...?"

"No! I'm just..." His eyes flickered to the blond on the floor, eyes shut and curled up to a crinkly bag of Lays, "We're supposed to clean this shit up before Dad gets back but he fell asleep. On the floor."

"Sounds like Kenny..."

_Please buy it please..._

"...Well I'd love to chat Kyle but I gotta gay-GO," Stan gulped, "I'll talk to ya when ya get home."

"Okay I guess I-"

"Bye Kyle!" Without another word he shut the phone, throwing it amongst the sea of trash.

After a few moments, he let out a deep breath.

"Ken's asleep," He muttered, tapping the blond with his foot, "Kyle's off my case, and now I can pretend this night _never happened_."

_At least the gay part...NO HOMO._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: What is working? I wrote this for my pal Lia. I hope you liked it sweetie, you're the main reason I actually decided to go through with my bro job idea. And thanks to you folks goofing off with my on TP today writing since it's fun when y'all come to chill.**

**Okay...I am never writing Stan as a homo again. I can't. I see him way too straight. I ship him with EVERYONE but I still can only write him straight. Or maybe that's just because of my strong passion for Stenny BROmance rather than ROmance. Idk, I should just write K2 forever :P**

**Also, I suck at blow jobs. I'm sorry you probably read the worst blow job ever. I suck. No pun intended. **

**Anyway, I hope ya enjoyed. Thanks for reading. Leave a review if ya wish. Yeah. Love y'all. No homo ~CQO**


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